Disclaimer: These jokes are not meant to offend anybody. They are here to make people laugh, so don't take them personally! Those of you out there who ARE taking them personally, then lighten up... they're just jokes.

How can you tell a uilleann piper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How is playing a uilleann pipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you call uilleann piper with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a set of uilleann pipes?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

How many uilleann pipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Willie Clancy would have done it.

How many uilleann pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune uilleann pipe player, an out of tune uilleann pipe player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune uilleann pipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like uilleann pipes?
Add vibrato.

How many uilleann pipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the uilleann pipes and doesn't.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead uilleann piper in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead uilleann piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

What's the range of a set of uilleann pipes?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
An uilleann piper.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A uilleann piper tuning his drones.

Why are uilleann pipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if uilleann pipes are out of tune?
Someone is working the bellows.

Why are uilleann pipes like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do uilleann pipers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you know if a uilleann pipe band is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.

Why did the uilleann piper get mad at the drummer?
He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

If you took all the uilleann pipers in the world and laid them end to end - it would be a good idea.

What do you call ten uilleann pipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

If you drop a set of uilleann pipes and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's one thing you never hear people say?
Oh, that's the uilleann piper's Porsche.

The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
They have seat belts and an air bag.

Man walks into a seisiun with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and €50 backs up his outrageous claim.

So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, €50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo...

Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong.

"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"