Disclaimer: These jokes are not meant to offend anybody. They are here to make people laugh, so don't take them personally! Those of you out there who ARE taking them personally, then lighten up... they're just jokes.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

What is perfect pitch on a flute?
When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

How do you get two flute players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

How do you tune two flutes?
Shoot them both.

How do you tune a flute?
You mean you can tune those bad-boys?

Why do all the other wood-wind instrument players envy flutes?
Because they're the only winds eligible for the no-bell prize.

What do you get when you gather all the flute players in a seisiun?
Far too many flute players.

Did you hear about the flute player who was so out of tune that they noticed?
Me neither.

Why do you hardly ever see a flute player take a breath? Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.

How do you make a flute player into a drummer?
Put another useless stick in their hand.

If a flute player and drummer got in a fight, who would win?
It's a trick question. There would be no fight. The flute player would whine until they got their own way!

How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
When the engines stop, the whining continues.

You know you've been playing flute too long when:
You tongue while whistling.
You hold pens upright on your knee.
You think of a tin whistle as an accessory.
You know all the differences between flutes and piccolos besides the size.
You can play four different Bbs.
Your biggest accomplishment of the day is getting all the spit off the top of the inside of the head joint (who am I kidding? A real flute player never cleans the inside of their flute!).
You've had more than one flute.
You've had a piccolo stuck to your tongue.
You think a seisiun can never have too many flutes.

Top ten reasons to play flute:
10. It's low maintenance (no reeds, valve oil, water, mutes, etc. to worry about).
9. Easy to tune.
8. Can easily overpower the tin whistle.
7. Extremely portable; can be slipped in a backpack, in your pocket, or through a needle's eye.
6. There are too many flutes in seisiuns to be very accurate.
5. You can pretend to play and no one will know the difference.
4. Learning to transpose fiddle music.
3. Lots of attention.
2. Higher than any other instrument.
1. NO SPIT!

Five reasons not to:
5. Getting shouted at for playing too loud.
4. In seisiuns you are expected to be able to play the quickest, most complicated tunes just by virtue of being a flute player.
3. Gets out of tune in record time.
2. Being barred from jazz bands.
1. People expect you to be a bit thick.

A flute player and a fiddle player were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the fiddle player, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the flute player, "just fake it."

What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G, I really don't care either!