Disclaimer: These jokes are not meant to offend anybody. They are here to make people laugh, so don't take them personally! Those of you out there who ARE taking them personally, then lighten up... they're just jokes.

A Primer for Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same. Do not tell anyone what you have done - it will only cause them to worry. They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on.
It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen:
The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.
The third is the most important:
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons.
The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabeling injuries - much to the delight of the general public).
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are acutally just desperately trying to find the damned "C".
"Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.
Play the black and white keys.
The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.)
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself.
If the former, turn the accordion over.
If the latter, pack your accordion up with thousands and thousands of euros and mail it far away for a long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case.
Order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to the fleadh.

Accordian FAQ's

Whenever I play my accordian, I experience severe chest pain. What am I doing wrong?
This is a fairly serious problem among beginning accordian players. Luckily, the solution is simple: be sure that you're wearing a shirt. If you ARE already wearing a shirt, then you're probably suffering a heart attack. Be sure to check with a doctor as soon as you're finished practicing.

My accordian is a half step lower than the other instruments in my band. The other musicians keep complaining. What do I do?
Undoubtedly, you've thrown your lot in with a group of unappreciative people with little or no talent. However, if you wish to humour them, walk several hundred yards away from the group. At the beginning of your solo, run rapidly toward them while playing your accordian. The doppler effect will make it seem that you're in tune with them.

My spouse has threatened to move out due to my practice schedule. I usually play from 3:00am to 5:30am. How can I save my marriage?
You can't. You really should be practicing for longer than that. We would suggest starting earlier, perhaps about 1:00am.

What's a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the range of an accordion?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
The accordion takes longer to burn.

What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

Why is it good that accordion players have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
Ladies in Pain.

How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A chainsaw can be tuned.

A man walks into an antique shop and notices a brass rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the clerk, "How much for that brass rat?". The clerk says "Well sir, it's €25 just for the rat, and €50 if you want to hear the story that goes with it. Take my word, you'll want to *hear* the story." The man says "No, I believe I'll just take the rat for €25."

So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the next street. He passes an alley, at which point about a half-dozen rats come out and start following him. This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point, so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town. When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at this point, so as he passes the river that winds around town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink. Every last one of the real rats follows the brass rat into the river and drowns.

Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique shop where he got the brass rat. "I knew it!", says the clerk, "You're back to hear the story about the rat, aren't you?". "No sir", says the guy, "I just wanted to find out how much you're asking for that brass accordion I see you've got up there."

Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordian - go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Fiddle Player: 25 feet
Bad Fiddle Player: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordion Player: 60 miles

What's the difference between a piano accordian and a button accordian?
The button accordian burns a little faster.