Disclaimer: These jokes are not meant to offend anybody. They are here to make people laugh, so don't take them personally! Those of you out there who ARE taking them personally, then lighten up... they're just jokes.

What's the difference between a banjo and a Chain Saw?
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
You can turn a chain saw off.

What's the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson Motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: one to screw it in and four to:
Complain that it's electric.
Lament about how much they miss the old one.
Complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
Argue about what year it was made.
Argue about how much it costs.
Ask what tuning she's using.
Stand around and watch.

Ten: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better."
None: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?
Drool…

How can you tell if the stage is level?
If the banjo player drools out of both sides of their mouth.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
A visitor.

What are flaming guitars good for?
Lighting banjos on fire.
Kindling.

Why are banjos better than guitars?
They burn longer.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flame-thrower.

What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!

What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
Banjo player/Comedian.

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.

Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?
You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk man are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a one hundred euro note. Who gets it?
The old drunk man, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the banjo player's favorite whine?
"Play Duelling Banjos…"

Where do banjo players play best?
In traffic.
In a galaxy far, far away…

How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?…

What is the most important aspect of banjo playing?
…timing…

How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand [or concrete]?
Not enough sand. [Almost done.]

You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?
By adjusting it's scales…

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
They make good paddles.

Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
So he could park in the handicap zone.

Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
Their colour of course!

How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them… If you get wine, you've got grapes!

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo.
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"Yes, of course…"
"Great! I never could before…"

What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?
Measles - you can get rid of the Measles.

What should you do if you run over a banjo?
Back up…

When do banjo tunes sound the best?
When they're over.

Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
Because they can't pick on their fiddles.

Why does everyone pick on banjo players?
Because it's so easy!!!

Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players
…naaaaaah.

There's not much between you and a fool is there?
"Just this here banjo…"

Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."

A banjo player walked into a bar
…another banjo player walked into the bar
…you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [Under the bar.]

A Rabbi and a banjo player are traveling through the country with their friend from India when their car gets stuck in a ditch. Stranded, they walk to the nearest farmhouse and knock on the door. A farmer and his beautiful daughter answer the door. The farmer says he'll be glad to put 'em up for the night and they can go for help in the morning. However, there is only room for two in the house, one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi volunteers and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door, it's the Rabbi, "I cannot sleep with pig, it's sacrilege."

Then the Hindu volunteers to sleep with the pig and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is another knock on the door, "I cannot sleep with cow, sacrilege."

So, now the banjo player takes his banjo and goes off to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door--it's the cow and the pig!!!

Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

How can a banjo player make money?
Hang out your "Pay or I Play!" sign.

A banjo player went running up to a gardai and said, "Arrest that kid, he just changed one of my tuning pegs." The gardai said, "Oh, come on, you can fix that." Banjo player says, "Maybe, but he won't tell me which one!"

How do you get the banjo player out of the tree?
Cut the rope.

What's the difference between a banjo player and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.

Why don't banjo players get to take breaks between sets?
It takes them too long to retune.

Why don't banjo players like to go to the beach?
Because cats keep trying to bury them.

What do banjo players and bottles of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What does a sperm and a banjo player have in common?
They both have one chance in about a million of becoming a human being.

How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed!

Why was the banjo player walking his children to school everyday?
Because they're in the same class.

Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron...

Bumper Sticker: On the eighth day, God created Banjos!

Sign in shop window:
"Banjo For Sale-cheap, no strings attached..."

Always remember that the Banjo Player is the Fiddle Player's best friend.
Without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on Earth...

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
Your wife gets upset when the neighbours borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a banjo?
Turn it on.

Do you know why the Post Office had to stop producing their new commemorative Banjo Player Stamps?
Because people didn't know which side to spit on...

Don't tell my mother I'm a banjo player.
She thinks I'm a piano player in a brothel.

How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?
Only give one of them a banjo!

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a banjo player?
a chicken that can pluck itself.
a banjo omelet.
finger pickin good.

What does the banjo player says when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that sir?

How are banjo players and bowling balls alike?
They both end up in the gutter eventually...

What's worse than a banjo player? Two banjo players.
What's worse than two banjo players? nothing.

What has 16 legs & 3 teeth?
The front row of a banjo workshop.

Never try to teach a pig to play the banjo.
It's a waste of time and it annoys the pig. A pig is too smart to waste his time that way anyway.

Why do banjo players like family reunions?
It's a great place to pick up girls...

"When I grow up I want to be a banjo player" says little Johnny.
"I'm sorry dear," says his mother, "you'll have to make up your mind. You can't have both - you can either grow up or be a banjo player..."

Life is like a banjo...
What you get out of it depends on how you play it.

A man walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, I just heard the funniest banjo joke, want to hear it?"
Bartender: [Pointing at the wall behind the bar] "You see that Black Belt? Well, that's mine for karate, and I play the banjo. [Pointing to the end of the bar.] You see that burly guy in the tank top with all those muscles? Well, that's my brother, and he plays the banjo. [Pointing to a table.] You see that Hell's Angel over there with all the black leather and the spiked collar? Well, that's my cousin and he plays the banjo. Now, do you still want to tell a banjo player joke in here?"
Man: "Wel,l not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!!!"

What does the banjo player mutter to himself in between tunes?
"Thumb, index, middle..."

Did you hear that they've isolated the gene for banjo playing?
It's the first step to a cure!

A banjo player wins the lottery: "Will all this newly acquired wealth change your life in any way?"
"Nope, I'm gonna keep playing gigs until the money runs out..."

Million dollar guarantee: you give us a million dollars and we'll play any song, guaranteed.

What's the difference between a banjo player and a foot massager?
A foot massager generally bucks up the feet...

Guy goes through customs with a banjo case. The inspector nervously asks the man to set the case on the table.
Sweating, the inspector uses a long stick to slowly open the case. He sighs a sign of relieve when the contents reveal a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives.
"Phew! For a minute there, I thought you had a banjo..."